7 Quick Takes - The Struggles Edition

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~~~1~~~

I don't mean to get too down in the dumps with the title here, but this has been a hard week, unexpectedly. I think, maybe the sleep deprivation has caught up with me plus 2 major events are over with, so I think my body is crashing from the adrenaline rushes.

~~~2~~~

Probably the biggest source of my struggling right now, is potty training. You know how some people don't "do" blood? Well, I don't "do" bodily functions that require a toilet. So, this is an extra difficult "trench of Motherhood" for me to navigate. Isabel has made progress, but I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope and out of ideas on how to get her to be fully successful.

~~~3~~~

My biggest struggle with Alexis right now, besides the fact that she is TWO and acting every part of it, is her sleeping. She gets out of her bed a gazillion times, both at bed time and nap time. It's frustrating because she has always been a good sleeper, we didn't have any issues when we transitioned her to her toddler bed. I also get really upset when the other two girls are down and I could be doing something productive or sleeping myself.

~~~4~~~

After I passed my 6 week check-up, I was so ready to start working out. I got off to a great start with the 3 mile MS Walk, and then a couple of good workouts with my friend, including an amazing stair workout (I'll have to post a picture later). But then events got in the way (Isabel's recital, Maire's baptism) and I dropped the working out off of my to do list. And last week was such a hard one, I turned to food. It didn't help that I had all of the leftovers from the baptism party. Nothing left to do but start over again this week.

~~~5~~~

I've decided to take the girls on a World Tour. I needed some direction to help me with activities for the girls (an area I desperately lack in) and came across this and was very excited. Of course, then I got really serious about getting it perfect and my stress level increased. So I've been struggling with the details and probably been a little too obsessive. I just need to remember that anything the girls take out of it is a plus and there is no formal requirements to be met.

~~~6~~~

If you haven't read this post by Kate yet, go read it! It hits so close to home!

~~~7~~~

Maire has been a wonderful baby. She sleeps well and so far has only really cried if she is hungry or needs to be changed. This is where I make up my own Mommy guilt and feel bad that I may be taking her laid backness for granted and taking advantage to get things done. I'm also reading some books that are making me second guess some of my parenting "techniques" and this isn't a good thing when you are already emotionally drained and having a "bad week."

I started writing this last week, but of course, it was put on hold, like so many other things. I'm glad I decided to finish it, though. It has helped me to wrap up the bad week and start fresh again today.

Mass Happenings

Tom is out of town, so we went to the 9am Mass this morning. I guess I have never done that for a Holy Day during the school year before.

- Young gentleman dressed in business attire holds doors for us as we enter church.

- Entered church, thought it wouldn't be all that full today, so we could sit a little further forward than usual so Isabel could see more. Wondered why so many people were sitting so far back.

- Sat a few pews behind nice young gentleman, hoping he would not be annoyed by small children.

- School children start entering church. Realize why so many people were sitting so far back.

- Wonder if we should move. More school children enter. Nice young gentleman moves.

- Start packing up all of our stuff. More school children enter. Start filling our pew.

- We move. Right behind nice young gentleman.

- During homily, Father asks school children questions about Ascension, Pentecost, etc... Isabel does not understand concept of raising hands to answer questions, thinks children are waving hello to Father. Proceeds to wave hello for duration of homily, waiting for Father to respond.

- Giving up, Isabel begins to practice genuflecting in aisle and entering pew.

- Isabel tells me she has "poot." Realizing this is not a scene I want made with school children nearby to distract, we go change diapers. Am actually relieved because correctly suspected Alexis needed new diaper, too.

- Return to pew. Decide Alexis has had to many Puffs. Take them away and give toy. Good for teething, bad for dropping. Loud. Bounces two pews ahead.

- Accept toy back from pew occupant. Embarrassed.

- Give Alexis Mommy's bracelet. She's more interested in sister's bracelet. Contentedly chews on bracelet. Quietly.

- Isabel understands certain words Father says. Repeats them while imitating arm gestures (he's Italian).

- Smell Isabel. Thankful Mass is over.


.

Irony is

when the daughter you are spending all day trying to get to tell you when she needs to go potty, yells from her bed (when she is supposed to be sleeping) that "Alexis pooped!"

Angels

Angels

When God calls children
to dwell with him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of his love.
For no heartache compares with
the death of a child
Who does so much to make our world
Seem wonderful & mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to his fold,
So he picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
so He takes but few
To make the land of heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be "Goodbye."
So when a child departs,
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.

~Unknown

God Has a Plan

Two years ago, this week, I found out I was having a miscarriage. Isabel was 9 months old. Of course, it was a very difficult time for Tom and I. What made it especially difficult for us was how quick everything had happened. I had the blood test telling me I was pregnant on Friday. Of course we were ecstatic. We went to a baby fair that weekend (it just happened to be in town). The next week, after I received my referral, I called to make my first appointment and asked about some bleeding that seemed to be getting heavier. Without getting into too many more details, I was sent for some blood tests to get hormone levels the following 2 Fridays. In just over 2 weeks, we went from "Yes, you're pregnant" to "Not anymore." It was horrible. The week after finding out we were pregnant, we sent cute little notes announcing the news to our parents. They got them the first weekend we knew there might be a problem, so obviously when they called to congratulate them, I didn't want to talk and Tom had to tell them what was going on.

I had no idea how to handle any of it. My doctor, as great as I thought she was, was so very clinical about it all. I guess it was, unfortunately, just routine for her. Part of the job. I looked up miscarriages on the net, trying to make sense of it all. I tried to find comfort in the theory that my body was doing what it was supposed to because there was probably something wrong with the baby. Of course, something was still not right in how I was dealing with it. I was bringing my pain to God, but I didn't really know what the pain really was that I was bringing to Him or what I was really asking Him to do.

That year, Easter was in mid-April, so I just tried to surround myself with people to distract myself. My aunt was in town, and we asked some friends over to celebrate the day with us. We didn't tell anybody what had happened. The only people who knew were our parents and the few they might have said something to, and our best friends. I, to this day, still don't know who knows. I guess a lot more now, after reading this :) Of course, not telling people made it difficult when people would announce their pregancies. When one couple told us about their baby, about a month later I think, I was crushed because I was hurting and also because I wanted to be happier for them. They had no idea though, what we were going through. I thought this was the best way to deal with it. And our best friends ended up waiting a long time to tell us they were expecting again. And for whatever complicated emotional reasoning, I think I was more upset they waited so long to tell us. But I understood. Obviously, I was not handling the pain very well.

It didn't take too long until I was pregnant again. Of course, we were nervous. But as you know, that pregnancy went well and 9 months later, Alexis was born. The same week, 1 year later, that I found out that I had lost my baby. Isn't God amazing?!?!?! We were so full of joy with our new little girl, we didn't have time to dwell on the pain of the sorrowful anniversary. A few months ago, this all dawned on me. I still can't believe it sometimes. It is just another example that God knows what He is doing, even if we don't or can't understand it.

So how am I doing with our loss these days? Much better. Last summer/fall, I reconnected with an old friend. She is a saintly woman who God brought back into my life at the perfect time, of course. She recommended that I read Kimerly Hahn's book Life-Giving Love. This book changed EVERYTHING! It helped me get my head wrapped around what had really happened to my baby. Part of why dealing with the loss of my baby was so difficult is because I didn't know what I should be feeling. Surely, I couldn't be as devastated as parents who had lost their baby in their last trimester, could I? But between the book and my new (old) friend, I began to realize that a baby is a baby no matter if it's 1 week along or 40 weeks along. I was valid in feeling what I was feeling. It all made sense now. I would say I have always been pro-life, but I had never really been put in a situation where it mattered. Now my eyes were opened to what being "Pro-life" really meant.

I'm starting to get frustrated with my lack of properly writing what is in my heart to say here, but I hope I've made a glimmer of sense. I've been waiting a few months to write this post, and I think, if anything, just writing it has helped me. For those of you who made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my words, as clumsy as they may be.

And maybe, you could take a moment to say a prayer for my baby who is no longer with us.

God bless you!

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They are Sisters, Not Clones

So I have 2 daughters. Isabel. Alexis. Born almost 22 months apart. They are not twins. They were not some scientific cloning experiment. So why has it taken me 10 months to figure out that they. are. DIFFERENT?!?!?!?!

Pregnancy: Isabel - surprise; Alexis - not really
Nausea: I - hardly threw up; A - threw up the whole pregnancy, including in the delivery room
Nursing: I - initial challenge in hospital, at home, no problems; A - latched on immediately, got home, Pain, lots of Pain
Size: I - could nickname her Twiggy; A - did nickname her Buddha
Hair: I- blonde and straight; A - brunette and curly
Personality: I - non-stop energy; A - thoughtful observer
Crawling: I - practically skipped it; A - very happy with ability to crawl anywhere, through anything
Walking: I - 9 1/2 months; A - not yet
Weaning: I - cooperated with Mommy's very strategic plan at 1 year;
A - had her own plan at 10 months

*Note: I started writing this 2 weeks ago and am just getting around to posting it now.

Looking on the Bright Side

The Benefits of Rejection

~I can have more than 1 glass of wine
~I can wear a real bra
~The hubby can feed the child in the middle of the night
~PEANUT BUTTER
~I can have more than 1 glass of wine
~No more biting
~Lowers the cost per use of the "just in case" bottles
~End of strategic planning involved with wardrobe choices
~Can hang up the cow bell
~I can have more than 1 glass of wine!

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Things are not all flowers and candy around here today. It's been kind of a rough week. Tom is super busy with work and his master's class, the girls and I have been fighting these darn colds, we've started potty training (not MY idea of a good time), and we're having some feeding issues with Alexis which is difficult by itself, but it also has brought with it some sleep shortages. So basically I'm just trying to survive the lack of sleep, the gloomy weather, and the neverending "Why?" from a 2 year old. So I apologize for not having something cute and love-inspired posted today. I especially feel bad that I have not put something wonderful to my husband here like so many of you have. I would like to say thank you to those women though, for reminding us how important it is to show our men that we appreciate them.

To end on a higher note, I will mention a couple of rays of light that have broken through my cloudy week. Yesterday afternoon, as I was about to hit my limit, I started to put a cd on for Isabel and she asked with a smile, "Jesus?" I said yes and she then sang along (better than I expected) with "Jesus Loves Me." It touched my soul. I didn't know she knew the song that well. And last week, when I was not-so-happy about waking up in the wee hours to nurse Alexis, halfway through the feeding she said "MA-MA." Needless to say, all of my annoyance was gone and my heart was smiling!

Oh, and Tom, I LOVE YOU!

A Little Perspective

So it's not a happy mommy day. We're having some issues with the baby and her not sleeping at night and how she's eating. Then I kinda got kicked while I was down this morning by some "parenting advice" that only made me feel worse. But when you read something like this, it's like a slap in the face saying "Wake up! Look at what you could be dealing with!" So I'll take my rough patch and offer it up and pray for those out there who have it more difficult than I do.

If you have a free moment though (yeah right), you could send a little prayer my way. It would be greatly appreciated.

Why I'm Freaking Out

So yesterday's Reality Check was actually more of a pitiful attempt at asking for help/advice...You see, this weekend, Tom and I are leaving our children for A WHOLE WEEK! We are going to (of all places) Disney World for my mother's 50th birthday celebration. Fortunately, my in-laws are flying out to take care of the girls. My worries aren't because my in-laws are bad people, they are just Not the Mama (I love this post by Michelle). And it's not that I'm terribly worried about what they are going to do with the girls, (but let's be honest, I am) I'm just worried in general. Isabel has been away from me for multiple days before, once with each set of grandparents, but Tom was always close by (she traveled with him to a couple of classes). This time we will both be far, far away. Alexis has never been away from me for more than maybe 5 hours in her short life.

The biggest issue, by far, is how well is Alexis going to eat. I had been trying to freeze enough milk to make it through our trip, but due to some traveling and growth spurts, I'm going to fall just short. We bought some formula to cover the shortage, and she has taken 3 bottles well to make sure she's not allergic or anything. So now we just hope she does well taking a bottle (milk or formula) for every feeding. I also feel bad because she's in a phase of getting up more often than I would like at night. It's one thing for the Mama to have to get up at all kinds of crazy hours, but I feel bad about Tom's parents having to get up with her. I'm not too terribly worried about Isabel, as long as they keep her somewhat on schedule for naps and bed. She's pretty easy. And I also worry about the grandparents trying to do this all as visitors. They've only been here a handful of times.

So I guess what I am so pitifully trying to do, is ask for your advice on

a) handling my worries
b) best preparing the grandparents to make it as easy for them as possible. Any tips?

I'm not dumb. I know that Tom and I getting away is a good thing.

I know that his parents have taken care of kids before.

I know that Alexis will eat when she gets hungry.

I know that not everything, if anything, will be done "my way."

I know that God will take care of everything.

But sometimes my heart and my brain don't communicate so well. I am human after all. And more importantly, I'm a mom. And I will ALWAYS worry about my kids.